My heart is breaking. And I am sitting here, reminded of him. Of how I feel and how I am thinking of ending this. It's breaking my heart. I can not stop shedding tears of agony. It burns my face and leaves my eyes stinging. How do I know this is right?

I just, I just want that love. That love that lifts you beyond everything else. But, I want it to stay too. And that just is not happening. I'm cornered and I hate it. I want to be strong. To prove to myself that I am my own person. That I am confident and faithful. But I've also cried ten different times today. So what the fuck do I know.

Collection Of Late Night Thoughts From My Typewriter In 2008 (he wrote them not me...):

march 4 2008
been trying out this thing where i don;t where makeup. it has been going okay. at first my insecurities really took over but im finding a beauty within me i never knew.

being in this eating awareness/body image club has really made me consider my own image. i know i am taller and bigger than most girls but i think for a while i never knew that about my self. i want so much to be small and skinny, to be able to wear what i wish with no concerns or doubts. and i wish i could be confident enough to be a woman other females look up to when they think about their own body. but i am not like that. i am just as self conscious as everyone else and that bothers me. i need to change.


you cocoon me
and wrap me in hope
and love
is it love?
i think so
they say the first time is the best time
but only the covers of my bed know
and feel my heart pounding
im in a cocoon
i cant see the world when i talk
with you
numb
my cheeks are numb from smiling
i need a cocoon to hide the humbling
hopeful
happy
scared?
feelings i have
i want you with me in a cocoon of our own.

holding hands i think
there is something about him i like so much
something about him
i cant find myself about to touch him
but to play with his hand
and maybe to play with his heart

i'm still not open enough to understand
why i cant open myself to others
or to hold their hands
i just want to hold hands with you.

i'm alone
i feel useless
i'm not doing anyone any good


i'm worried im becoming the exact person i hate and i cant seem to stop it. i dont want to be one of those girls that only hangs out with their boyfriends and i dont want to be one of those girls who is anti social and i dont want to be one of those girls that is fake and i dont want to be a sloppy drunk or a bad friend or a friend that fades away. i want to be loyal and trustworthy and fun and interesting but i dont want to be friends wtih the wrong people or be a friend that im not. i want to love everyone and be friends with the people who i like. i dont want to be affected by other peoples thoughts or judgements. i dont want to care what other people think of me but i want to listen to what they have to say. i want to be more open and confident and i dont want to hate everyone at my school or become an outcast and be misunderstood. i want to do what makes me happy but sometimes i dont know what that is. i dont want to regret my high school experience. i dont want to be constanly thinking of the future and make up scenarios i want to happen but will never come true. i want to be able to hold a conversation without coming off as a complete weirdo. i want to understand who i am and why im here. i want to stop being confused. why cant i do all of these things that i want to? why cant i be the person i want to be with feeling bad about it?

Overcast

Populations of waves crowd the
ethereal air above our heads
Micro, mobile, and heat
radioactive, dangerous with potential
are pulsating, pushing, pressing
Like a parasite to a host
There are hopes and endless emotions
All are searching
Vociferously they blather
We all blather
but are never heard
We can swim in the ideas
drown in the worry
race against dreams
all floating, suspended above our heads
depleting the ozone layers
raising the sun
and then dropping it without caution
there are waves in the air
subconciously we emit
without choice or knowledge
sometimes these waves linger on our skin
prickling then tightening its hold
movements are restricted
minds become overcast
and we cannot help but disappear
but sometimes, sometimes
they help us find our eyes and
we can fly.