Collection Of Late Night Thoughts From My Typewriter In 2008 (he wrote them not me...):

march 4 2008
been trying out this thing where i don;t where makeup. it has been going okay. at first my insecurities really took over but im finding a beauty within me i never knew.

being in this eating awareness/body image club has really made me consider my own image. i know i am taller and bigger than most girls but i think for a while i never knew that about my self. i want so much to be small and skinny, to be able to wear what i wish with no concerns or doubts. and i wish i could be confident enough to be a woman other females look up to when they think about their own body. but i am not like that. i am just as self conscious as everyone else and that bothers me. i need to change.


you cocoon me
and wrap me in hope
and love
is it love?
i think so
they say the first time is the best time
but only the covers of my bed know
and feel my heart pounding
im in a cocoon
i cant see the world when i talk
with you
numb
my cheeks are numb from smiling
i need a cocoon to hide the humbling
hopeful
happy
scared?
feelings i have
i want you with me in a cocoon of our own.

holding hands i think
there is something about him i like so much
something about him
i cant find myself about to touch him
but to play with his hand
and maybe to play with his heart

i'm still not open enough to understand
why i cant open myself to others
or to hold their hands
i just want to hold hands with you.

i'm alone
i feel useless
i'm not doing anyone any good


i'm worried im becoming the exact person i hate and i cant seem to stop it. i dont want to be one of those girls that only hangs out with their boyfriends and i dont want to be one of those girls who is anti social and i dont want to be one of those girls that is fake and i dont want to be a sloppy drunk or a bad friend or a friend that fades away. i want to be loyal and trustworthy and fun and interesting but i dont want to be friends wtih the wrong people or be a friend that im not. i want to love everyone and be friends with the people who i like. i dont want to be affected by other peoples thoughts or judgements. i dont want to care what other people think of me but i want to listen to what they have to say. i want to be more open and confident and i dont want to hate everyone at my school or become an outcast and be misunderstood. i want to do what makes me happy but sometimes i dont know what that is. i dont want to regret my high school experience. i dont want to be constanly thinking of the future and make up scenarios i want to happen but will never come true. i want to be able to hold a conversation without coming off as a complete weirdo. i want to understand who i am and why im here. i want to stop being confused. why cant i do all of these things that i want to? why cant i be the person i want to be with feeling bad about it?